You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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