She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
