DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
