I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
