You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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