He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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