I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
