You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Randomize
