She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
