In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
