I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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