she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
