I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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