Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
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