Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I am one with the molecules
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
