Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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