like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
you traded sex for a burrito?
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
