I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
