ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
