if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
it's like iHOP with fire
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
