We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
