I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
