I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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