i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
