i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I am naked and annoyed.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
