You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
