If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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