my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Randomize
