I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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