my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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