my phone needs a breathalizer
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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