If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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