I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
