So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
sarcasm needs its own font
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
