dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
