Regardless thnx for trying to help out, I realize we are dealing w/ very stupid girls here
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize
