i just wanna soil my oats bro
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
