he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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