I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
