3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
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