Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
