you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
