John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
