today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
