I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
