somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
