tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Randomize
