Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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