i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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