the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Randomize
