ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
someone owes me an orgasm
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
